Before the Will: Giving Our Children Belonging and Legacy

Estate planning is about more than passing down assets — it’s about creating a sense of belonging. In this post, I explore how emotional legacy and a sense of inheritance can shape what we leave behind for our children.

I was recently watching the TV show Bosch, and there was a moment that stopped me in my tracks. The daughter, Maddie, tells her dad she’s coming home from college for the weekend — "if that’s ok." He responds, without hesitation, “Of course that’s ok, this is your home, Madeline.”

It hit me hard.

Because not every child hears that. Not every child grows up with the sense that the house they were raised in is home, not just physically, but emotionally. That they belong there. That they’re entitled to something there.

It got me thinking about how often, particularly in Black households (though certainly not exclusively), we hear things like:

• “I pay the bills here.”

• “This is my house.”

• “When you get your own house, you can do what you want.”

The message, whether intended or not, is clear: this space isn’t really yours. You’re just passing through until you can build something for yourself. That kind of language may come from a place of discipline or survival — but it can leave children with the sense that they don’t own anything, not even their own sense of home.

And that matters.

It matters because when children don’t feel like they belong anywhere, it affects how they see themselves and what they think they’re worthy of. If a child grows up feeling like they have no claim to anything, don’t be surprised if they grow into adults who struggle to receive, to trust, or to believe they deserve stability, love, or legacy.

I often think of it like Monopoly. Everyone starts that game with the same amount of money. The same foundation. That’s how the game works. But in real life, too many of our kids are expected to start with nothing — to earn everything from scratch, even though they didn’t choose to be here. Even though they’re playing a game with rules that were set long before they arrived.

In my work as an estate planning attorney, I think about legacy all the time. But legacy isn’t just about wills, trusts, and deeds. Legacy is also about what we teach our children to believe they’re entitled to. It’s about whether we make them feel like they are heirs — or outsiders. It’s about helping them understand their emotional inheritance, their belonging.

So I want to ask a different kind of question: What would it look like if we shared ownership — not just legally, but emotionally — with our children?

What if we said:

• “This is our home.”

• “You matter here.”

• “You don’t have to earn your way into love or safety.”

This doesn’t mean spoiling children or removing boundaries. It means rooting them. Giving them a foundation. Teaching them how to belong before we ever ask them to build.

When we talk about estate planning, we’re not just talking about who gets what. We’re talking about what kind of emotional and cultural inheritance we want to leave behind. We’re talking about how we raise children who don’t just survive — but believe they are worthy of thriving.

That starts with home.

So maybe next time your child says, "Can I come home?" — your answer can be, without hesitation: "Of course. This is your home."

Because that, too, is part of the legacy.

Want to talk about building a legacy that goes beyond paperwork? Let’s connect. Estate planning is about more than just preparing for the future — it’s about making sure the people you love know they belong in it. If you're thinking about how to leave both financial and emotional inheritance to your children, I’d love to help you explore what that could look like.